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Pure love

Ngl, I've been a little obsessed with this video ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4HpWQmEXrM&list=FL8Qzz-fJgPs6b52kwnezZKA&index=6 ) and the song for the past few days. It's beautiful how much love this couple clearly has for one another. It's even more wonderful and heartwarming that they're surrounded by such love and acceptance from their family and friends, and that they wanted to be there for them during this proposal.

This has definitely become a happy place for me on the interwebs lately. I feel like, every day, it's something. Every time I turn on the tv or laptop, some heinous and atrocious act is being committed against human beings or animals, fires are destroying iconic landmarks and people are losing their livelihoods, floods are consuming land and homes and sweeping people away in their cars, etc. And it just makes me so sick at heart and sad that I want to crawl into bed with the comforter over my head and stay there indefinitely with a box of tissues nearby. And then THIS is forwarded to me by a friend, and it just seems like, for a short time, all is right and good and sane with the world. <3


I don't even know where to begin with this, so I'll just ramble & hope it makes some kind of sense.

My father was raised by his half-brother & his wife, who I'd known all my life as my grandparents. His biological mother died in childbirth & his biological father was upwards of 60 when he was born, and felt he couldn't raise a child at that age on his own. So my grandparents took him in & raised him as their own. He apparently spent summers with his bio dad & sisters/brother (which I only found out recently) and his bio dad took the bus from where he lived to visit sometimes. This would've all been fine and dandy IF my grandma had treated him equally to her biological child - who I know as my Uncle Ralph. But she never did. And she never really treated my father's children like she did her biological grandkids either. Don't get me wrong, I love her, I spent SO much time with her and helped her after her strokes - I even helped her to the bathroom and changed her clothes, which was natural for me because I think I'm a pretty loving person - but I never really felt appreciated. She even said to me something like "I never said anything (against taking my father in as a baby)" which sort of hurt and felt weird at the time to hear coming from her. She would always say things to make me feel inferior to her "real" grandkids - my "cousins" Brian and Jennifer - even though they never did jack shit for her or even visited much. They were just better somehow in her eyes, like they could do no wrong. And her precious Ralph - who's pretty much just plain rude and not that nice - was her pride & joy. It makes me nauseous right now just thinking of it all.

And my father, I think, had this warped sense of loyalty to the people that raised him to the point where he didn't "introduce" me to my own cousins and aunts/uncle until this past year. I remember seeing them exactly once growing up - they came over my house when I was around 10 for lunch, and that was it for 15+ years. I just don't get it. And I'm really, really hurt and saddened by the fact that I've missed so much time with these awesome people who actually DO love me and want to get to know me, unlike the people I've known for years as my aunt, uncle, and cousins who never made the effort and I don't even think care. I mean, it's not even like he was raised in a different family - he was raised by his biological father's other son FFS! I don't get why he couldn't have had a relationship with everyone. And I feel SO cheated out of so much time. My Aunt Marie's 85 now & I'm only within the past year getting to spend time with her. I don't know how much more time I'll have with her! Her sister Angelina just passed away this year, so that chance is gone. I have SO many cousins and second cousins who are amazing that I could've known my whole life, grown up with, but didn't. And every time I try to talk to my father about WHY, he just has some bullshit nonsense like "oh, you know..." and doesn't finish. Um, no, I actually DON'T know, or else I wouldn't have fucking asked to begin with! It's like pulling teeth with him. And while I absolutely DO cherish the time I'm spending with them all now, I have SO much rage & anger & hurt & sadness inside me that has no outlet.

SO fucking irritated...

Really, I need to stop allowing myself to become so ragey. I called that though, so not surprised - at all. There's a fine line between being a fan & being a stalker-fan. Just sayin. I have such a mind to burst that bubble, but so far, I'm refraining - but just barely.  *wonders when the delusions of grandeur will stop* Srsly, does this bullshit never end?!

I actually felt bad about being so honest, but now I'm just thanking whatever God's out there that I was. The truth hurts sometimes, but is necessary.  It honestly hurts ME, but I doubt the situation will change anytime soon, and that's okay. I know I'm a good person & have REAL friends who don't use me for my connections or pretend to like me when they don't. /bitchy-Becky-is-bitchy.

Mentally kicking myself...

I really, really, REALLY need to remember to be more careful about what I put on my FB statuses. Since not many ppl read this (and the ppl that do, I know), there's a safety in that. It just sucks that I feel like I might have to censor myself because if I dare to show a weakness, someone might pounce on it for less than honorable reasons & I don't want that AT ALL. I've always been pretty honest about my panic attacks, but I don't consider myself a weak person because I DO have issues. We ALL have issues & I'm getting help for mine (therapy & medicine) and doing okay.

My therapist told me today that she wanted me to think about/process the fact that situations & people that should make me happy or be happy end up giving me panic attacks. Like chaos = good for me & happiness = bad. Totally blew my mind, but there's some truth in that that I really can't ignore. Thinking about it, about when & where I get attacks, it makes sense. Definitely gave me something (a lot of things actually) to ponder.

Just need to vent...

Please know that this is not to anyone in particular. Just going through some things right now & have to get this out....

If you don't like me for any reason, please tell me now. If you pity me, don't. I don't need pity invites & to be included in things out of a sense of pity. I don't need to be "saved" or want to be anyone's project. I can save myself just fine, kthanx. And I HAVE been - I've been going to therapy & taking medication & I'm doing better, I really am. And I am NOT weak - so if anyone thinks that, don't.  I really value all of the friendships I have & it really fucking hurts to find out ppl don't feel the same. I'm a person, damnit, and I have feelings & running them over with a Mac Truck on a quest for hero status or whatever the fuck it is going on is just really fucking sick & disturbing on many different levels & I don't like it at all. I think I'm there for ppl when they need me when I can be, even if it's just to listen & I'm REAL - I really fucking care & I hope, really, really hope that others do too.


And - crying. SO frustrated & just generally tired. And hurt. Really, really hurt. Took xanax. Ugh. I've only taken it 5 times in the past like 5 weeks besides every day the 1st week. Hate doing it right now, but don't know what else to do. I really just want to stop thinking & stop hurting.

SO tired...

Deep down, honest-to-God exhausted, mentally, emotionally & physically. Thinking I need to take a step back & reevaluate - think about things with fresh eyes & after some much-needed rest. I just don't know anymore. :/

Writer's Block: Do you remember?

What is your earliest memory?

My earliest memory is when I was like 2. I remember my family holding my hands & I remember falling under for a minute & feeling the pebbly tecture & being afraid. Then the next earliest memory I have is when I was like 5 & I remember being out in my grandparents backyard where my grandfather had a shed filled with yellow birds, and the sun was shining that day & with the color of the birds, I remember thinking it looked really pretty.
 http://www.the718.net/ Totally think you guys should check out this movie. It's short, 22ish minutes & the creator/actor in it is beyond awesome. He (Parrish Hurley) was in VSC with Eric last month & has been really helpful getting the word out for Doctors Without Borders. If you guys are interested, send me a message or email me at Titanica19127136@aol.com.  It's password protected & I don't wanna put the password on here. :)

Also, speaking of Doctors Without Borders, you all should check this out too. We reached our original goal of $15,000 in just 19 days on the day that Reid died on ATWT (deemed "Tragic Tuesday" from then on out - for obvious reasons) and we're now just $850 from our new goal of $20,000. I am SO ridiculously proud of what this fandom can do for great causes & this one's definitely far-reaching & will impact so many people's lives all around the world.  http://www.firstgiving.com/ericshefferstevens?pid=1329605&page=4#donationtable 

Also, check out Van's birthday thread on www.vanhansis.net.  It's a charity set up to benefit a student from one of his alma mater's, Walnut Hill. So far this year, it's raised upwards of $13,000, which almost surpasses what it raised the last 2 years combined of $15,000. Very cool!

And check out Jake's Stuffer website at www.stufferthefilm.com . Fans helped Jake make this dream come true too, which is also very cool & another thing that proves how generous this fandom can be for great causes!

ATWT Paley Center Event

Random things from The Paley Center event last night:

I can definitely see why Eric loved talking to Don Hastings about the old days of ATWT. It was truly fascinating, hearing all their memories/experiences over the years. Don is a flippin riot, omg! I swear he & Eileen Fulton could definitely start their own comedy team & I'd be all over that. :LMAO: They talked about what it was like to film the show live & when it was only 30 minutes long. He was like "I used to be 6'7"!" Haha. He also said something about how they filmed above Grand Central Station & sometimes the plates in a hutch they had in one of the sets (or the hutch itself) would shake & they'd all look at their watches & be like "Train's right on time today." Eileen also thanked CG for giving Lisa the 50th Anniversary episode, which was touching. I also remember Don liking the storyline where he & Kim found out they had a daughter they didn't know existed.

Kathryn was talking about coming on when it was live too. She said she wasn't comfortable with Kim at 1st. She also said that one day, she observed a scene where Eileen didn't necessarily say the words exactly like they were written on the page, but she was impressed because she felt like she observed Eileen taking Lisa *off* the page & making the character her own. It was a really beautiful moment. Made me tear up a bit. Kathryn also had me tearing up a bit when she said she looked out into the 1st 2 rows of the audience & saw a lot of their ATWT family sitting there & how they'd been there for each other for so many years.

Colleen Zenk-Pinter is seriously gorgeous IRL. Somehow I found myself standing right in front of her at the reception & I couldn't stop staring. She was all excited too during the panel because Barbara FINALLY got rescued! Like seriously excited. It was awesome. :LMAO: And she talked about how Anthony Herrera is her "fictional husband" and she's his "fictional wife" - they call each other this IRL - and she seems to hold him in the highest regard. She was also talking about coming on in 1978 & Douglas Marland. How Barbara "went from being a doormat to a bitch on wheels" practically overnight. LOL. Douglas Marland really got the entire panel's respect & if I'm not mistaken, some of their favorite storylines came from his time there.

Terri Columbino kept crying, which was sad. She feels like it's hard to say goodbye to Katie because she's like a real person to her (her "imaginary friend" lol). I remember she said something about how the characters memories have become her memories as well, which make it even more meaningful for her, sharing these memories. Something like that. Her & Trent both really liked Katie/Henry both as bff's & a romantic pairing, and CZP joked & was like "He's mine now!" :LMAO: And of course there was mention of Henry's time as Geneva Swift & something about a storyline where there was 3 pregnancies at once. And Austin Peck talked too from the audience about how much he liked playing Brad & the opportunity given to him to play this character.

CG said something about how the more he knew the actors as people, the easier it was to write for their characters & the easier it was to come up with stories for them that play on their strengths & weaknesses, which I found interesting. And a little scary if he actually believes this, because some of his stories are truly batshit. He & JP both seemed like surprisingly nice people though, even if not so great show-runners.

Van was amazing, as always. He just seems to glow. And the entire reception, people kept coming up to him, basically cornered him in this section right by the elevators & that's where he stayed the entire time, but he never once said no to anyone asking for a pic - even said it was his pleasure - & chatted with everyone with a smile on his face. He really is just a great guy (and really freaking cute in person too! omg, I'd somehow managed to forget that fact). We had a funny conversation about Silly bands, my friends & I. :LMAO: His godson gave him one & he asked about my friend's as well & he was like "They're popular with *children*. Let's be real here."